“How was your weekend then…”

June 19, 2006 at 2:05 pm (Uncategorized)

Well, they soon wished they had never asked and I suspect they won’t again.


Upon arrival in Manchestershire at an ungodly hour one would think sensible behaviour would be perhaps to freshen oneself up, get some food and drink or take some time to relax perhaps? Don’t be daft, there were celebrities in our midsts and there was little time. It’s all about priorities and there was already a queue…. “are you here for the X Factor auditions?” a young freckled lad asked (obviously has not heard me sing). Alas, no (but what a great way to get into the building, I will be using that one next time). It was the second round so some of the wheat had already been separated from the chaff but not enough if this motley crew was anything to go by (and if I was a judge I would eliminate anyone wearing a cowboy hat purely on principle before I had even heard them sing).

By this point a rabble of around 20 ‘women of a certain age’ had gathered with around a 50/50 mix of those from the UK and mad women who had jetted in from further afield. Now that is commitment/or they should be committed. One of the two.

At this point a suspicious looking guy walks out of the hotel with a bit of a swagger, shades on and a sleeveless top exposing arms to die for (trust me, you just wanted to squeeze them). No it wasn’t Louis Walsh, but the delectable Jason, who got in a silver Merc and sped off somewhere (it may have been a little different if we had not found ourselves incapable of speech and hence stood there no doubt looking dozy. He probably thought “bloomin cheek. Nobody recognises me”). Not even a murmur from the X Factor auditionees, although they were probably topping up their orange fake tan at the time.

Then Ben Shephard appeared (at which point I hid so that he would not recognise me from Soccer Aid stalking and misguidedly think I do this kind of thing all the time which would be totally untrue. Ahem) and filmed some intro to the X Factor unseen/more dull footage/didn’t Kate Thornton destroy Smash Hits show with a rabble of Thatters looking sunburnt and worse for wear in the background.

A huge X Factor coach turns up and it’s Simon Cowell and Sharon Osborne and ONE person in the X Factor queue says something. The rest say nothing. Probably topping up their orange fake tan at the time (you get where I’m going with this one yet?…)

The lookout at the back of the building started making the secret noise and dance so we knew there was a celebrity approaching and it was Howard calmly walking back from shopping in town where he had left his girlfriend and kid behind (though she had probably blagged his credit card so would not have been too upset). He said he could not stay long as he had an appointment with a physio (well, there were several who would have offered their services I suspect…) and he was lovely. At one point he brushed past me by accident and he apologised! He can do that as often as he likes… but what lovely manners. He posed for everyone’s photos and tried to ignore this annoying man (no, not Gary) hanging around who is like a leach, no doubt trying to get stuff signed for eBay. The clown.

After the ambulance staff had revived us, we took up positions at the front of the building where four smart cars had lined up. One guy pipes up “who are you waiting for” “East 17 have reformed and they are in there!” He walked off. Must be a Boyzone fan.

The That calmly just walked out to their cars and jetted off to the Arena. And we ran after (half joking, half serious) and there was the hilarious sight of a random man running ahead of all of us in hot pursuit. Why he did this only he will know but I think the relevant authorities should be informed as a matter of urgency.


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